BOTTOM 3 SWEAR WORDS

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

BOTTOM 3 PRISONS

3 - DANLI PRISON IN HONDURAS

     This hell-hole makes the list because inside there are only prisoners, no guards. The inmates run the joint. A hand-picked group of murderers, rapists and drug traffickers, called "coordinators", walk freely among the other murderers, rapists and drug traffickers and are given the power by prison officials to enforce the rules. 

     This honor among thieves, fox guarding the henhouse style of law and order is supposed to ensure at least some form of moral code and eliminate any chance of a corrupt "Shawshank Redemption" like warden coming in and calling the shots.

     Cells built for 5 usually house up to 18 guests with some bunks being 7 tiers high. Low man on the prison hierarchy, usually a child molester or snitch, gets to sleep under the bottom bunk. This pretty much guarantees the death penalty should a Twin Towers type free fall occur.

     The main problem with Danli is that inmates can spend years in the can before their case hits the courts. The slow judicial process in Honduras means many of these cons will actually serve their entire sentence before ever hearing a guilty verdict. This makes the tension so thick you could cut it with a shiv.

     Many of the caged are rural, uneducated hillbillies who will see electricity for the first time only when they're strapped to a chair that's attached to some. This procedure is known as the "Danli brownout" and results in flickering lights, a moment of silence in the sauteed man's former cell and a fight to the death for the now vacant top tier bunk.

2 - BANG KWANG PRISON IN THAILAND

     Ranked number 1 as the toughest correctional facility in the world, but I'm putting it at 2 because Thailand has great beaches.  This is a tough place folks.  Called the "Bangkok Hilton", it's understaffed, overcrowded, and filled with inmates who struggle with insanity as they spend the first months of their sentences chained in leg irons. 

     But rather than have me describe it I talked with a man who actually served 12 years there. Here's his story:

     "Sup? So yea I got cuffed running brake fluid (selling meds) in Bangkok and them rearholes sent me up for a dozen.  First day there I'm chain checked (punched) that got me a four-piece (full set of restraints) and 7 in the hole.  

     Got out and was assigned a crib in the ghetto penthouse (top tier of a cell block) with a lifer who wouldn't let me take a Cadillac (bunk) until I showed him my jacket (inmates info file).  Fucker turned out to be a dry snitch always spillin' shit on my peels (orange jumpsuit).

      So anyways this fucker tells me I'd be doin' a back door parole (die in prison) from Big Daddy's shank if I didn't take it to the hoop (hide drugs in the ass) and hold my mud (resist informing) when the heat danced through (guards).  

     Spent 4 years with this fuckin' base-head (addict) before he finally got a stainless steel ride (death by lethal injection)"

1 - SAN QUENTIN STATE PRISON IN CALIFORNIA

     The toughest of all prisons. Been housing bad guys since 1865.  Has the largest death row in the country. Still has a gas chamber.  SQ has been featured in tons of movies, tv shows and novels. Even Johnny Cash was afraid to record there and he didn't take shit from anybody.

     What gives SQ the number 1 spot is not the facility itself, its actually a well-run prison, but the people living there.  No bank robbers or con artists here, this place will only cage the most despicable, hardened, violent animals in America. It's a human zoo. 

     A lifer at SQ would laugh his ass off if you showed up there for stealing a car or defrauding a savings & loan company.

     The prison hierarchy here is really something to behold. Cop killers and those that have committed multiple murders (has to be 4 or more) get the most respect. Below them are the 3 or less killers and the aggravated assault with intent to kill gentlemen.  

     On the bottom rung are the murder for hire pussies who didn't have the stones to do the job themselves. These are the ones stuck cleaning the toilets, the underwear and the private parts of every cop killer and serial murderer in the joint.

     This is where O.J. Simpson would have gone had he been convicted.  Lucky for him he was spared the trip because having only slit the throats of 2 people the Juice would have been at the lower rung of SQ society and been forced to become the boyfriend of every Ted Bundy in this shit-hole.

BOTTOM 3 REASONS TO PRAY

3 - PRAYING TO GET OUT OF LEGAL TROUBLE 

       According to a Department of Correctional Services census, there are 8,643 people in United States prisons named Jesus, 34 of them women. If you are currently in prison and reading this take note because your prayers for freedom are probably going straight to these inmates.  If you think one of these Jesus's is going to get you off while they're in for life you were misinformed by the prison Chaplin.

     Going higher up the chain of command won't help either because God already answered the victim's prayers to incarcerate your guilty ass, so first prayer wins. 

     Now, if you're currently free awaiting trial and praying for an advantageous outcome you might stand a chance if your crime was victimless. That's why so many white collar criminals such as Wall St. bankers, shady politicians and Vegas card counters get little or no jail time, their prayers were in direct proportion to their crimes.

     Praying for an innocent verdict after killing 3 people is just spam in God's inbox, it will be deleted along with numbers 2 and 1 on this list.  However, a quick prayer after you've ripped off a bank for 50 grand will usually result in a time already served sentence or early parole. Bernie Madoff got a 200-year sentence because he pushed the envelope he should have placed in the collections plate and conned charities, hospitals, churches and Steven Spielberg, who God listens to.     

     Praying to get out of legal trouble might help if you remember these 3 tips:  Your crime should have a zero body count, should only harm huge, multi-national corporations or the IRS   and should always, always be accompanied by a guilty plea.  Don't clog up the legal system by saying not guilty when the evidence shows otherwise, you'll just piss God off and you won't stand a chance in hell.

2 - PRAYING FOR MONEY

     Dirty, filthy money.  The root of all evil.  Don't pray for dough folks, it's tacky, sacrilegious and makes God lol.  If you're broke and need bucks for food or rent I'm sure God will listen to your sob story and make an informed decision, but if you're asking for hooker and booze money forget it.

     Money is printed by the U.S. Treasury Department and is circulated through banks, drug dealers and lemonade stands, none of it goes to God and he doesn't have his own printing press.  But if you are desperate and need to pray for a windfall make sure you specify the currency because God's exchange rate is shittier than the banks.  You'll have to fork over about 100 "I promise I'll never do it agains" for every dollar you receive.

     Another thing you shouldn't do is pray for lottery wins, slot machine payouts and a quick death for granny so your inheritance kicks in.  Like Einstein said, "God doesn't play dice with the universe". Granny will go to heaven when God tells her, not when you ask for a date exactly one month before your trip to Vegas.

     Try this, pray for money to come into the life of someone you love, someone less fortunate than yourself who could really use it, than when it's received ask them for a loan and don't pay it back. Amen.

1 - PRAYING FOR YOUR SPORTS TEAM TO WIN  

     This one really grinds my gears. The thought that someone would actually pray for the Jets to beat the Patriots by 3 points in order to cover the spread is blasphemous, plus it doesn't work because I've tried it. And you know why it doesn't work? Read number 2 on this list.

     God doesn't watch sports nor does he subscribe to Sports Illustrated. When you pray for the Mets to win the World Series or Man United to finish atop the Barcley's Premier League you're talking to dead air.  You could try to up the ante and withhold your prayers until the really big sporting events, like the Olympics or World Cup of Football, but your prayers will go unanswered if Isreal fails to qualify for either of these.

     Sometimes I wonder though if God doesn't have some action down when I hear an athlete give thanks to him after a victory. Maybe God plays both sides, pays out the winner and keeps the losers scratch plus the vig.

     There is a play in football called the Hail Mary, there was Maradona's "hand of God" goal in the '86 World Cup and Packer's coach Vince Lombardi was well known for yelling Jesus Christ after every play. The problem with praying for Tom Brady not to throw an interception is that you're taking the ball out of Tom's hands and putting it in God's, who throws like a girl.

    The best advice I can give you is this; if your team is down three games to none in the World Series and you've wagered the money for your wife's cataract surgery on game 4, pray for rain.

BOTTOM 3 SPORTS ROLE MODELS

3 - MICKEY MANTLE    

     
     Got his name from the size of the bottle his father was drinking from when Mickey was born.  Inherited his father's drinking prowess and at the age of 15 began a lifelong relationship with booze until he cut in line to receive a new kidney at the age of 64.

     Drafted by the New York Yankees in 1949 Mantle captivated the city with his long, high moon shots at Yankee Stadium and his numerous, on the house Tequila shots at Toots Shor's bar.  He often played drunk or hungover while becoming the greatest center fielder in the history of baseball.  Won 10 World Series, 3 MVP awards, 2 batting titles and 1 drunk driving case that got thrown out of court. Was given the key to New York City, which he once used to try and open the liquor cabinet in the mayor's office.

     Upon his retirement in '68 Mantle was the only athlete in history to be given a lifetime achievement award by the Anheuser-Busch Brewing Company.

2 - JOE NAMATH    

     Broadway Joe. Handsome, wealthy, talented, single, Joe had it all.  Could even go toe to toe with Mantle at the bar.  There will never be a more popular athlete in New York than Joe Namath. Joe was a triple threat with the drinking, women and long touchdown passes.  Booze, broads, bombs.  He was legendary for staying out all night drinking and chasing skirt than showing up during the national anthem for a 4 pm  kick-off.

     Famously led the Jets to a Super Bowl win in '69 then had his own 69 with Farah Fawett 2 hours later at the Century Plaza Hotel. Always had two blondes on his arm in case he fumbled one. Threw more interceptions than any QB in history because of blood shot eyes and a shaky hand.  Made up for it by completing more passes at women in bars then the author of The Pick-up Artist.

     Joe never settled down until he finally married in his late 40's, apparently loving it so much he did it 3 times. Was the first player to wear mink coats, Fu Man Chu mustaches and pantyhose. Unfortunately, Joe is now best known for being drunk and trying to kiss an NFL sideline reporter on air during a Monday Night Football telecast.  The great ones never lose it!

1 - LANCE ARMSTRONG    

          A cheat, a liar and one ball short of being a man.  Fooled the public for years about being clean while making millions on endorsements and a line of special  underwear for men with only half a sack. Lance's bicycle built for two balls had to be modified so the seat could accommodate one wing nut.     

     Lance bullied opponents, the press and Sheryl Crow into thinking he was the only participant in the Tour De France not doping.  Would threaten anyone with a lawsuit if they dared to question his integrity, told the world he always took the moral high ground when competing. 

     Armstrong's strong arm tactics threw countless teammates under the bus if it came down to a "them or me" situation until finally Floyd Landis stood up and said  "fuck you and the bike you rode in on"

     Ultimately the pressure for Lance to come clean about being dirty became too much and he was forced into a header over the handlebars confession on Oprah.  The tears from a clown fell faster than rain as Armstong cried his eyes out and did his best Jimmy Swaggart.  Oprah wasn't buying any of this bullshit and told him to peddle his crap to the Cancer charity he set up in his own tarnished name.

     Armstrong got his pants stuck in the bike chain of life because of greed and fame and his downfall will be forever known as the Tour De Lance.

BOTTOM 5 PLACES TO HAVE SEX

5 - AIRPLANE  

     First made famous when Freddie Laker banged his secretary on the inaugural flight of Laker's Airways in '66, having sex at 30,000 feet is now on everybody's Fucket List.  

     Like smoking and yelling "bomb", throwing the occupied switch and servicing your husband in the toilet on Flight 213 to Cleveland is illegal.  If caught you'll face a fine of $20,000 dollars, a possible jail sentence of 2 -5 years and have your picture  on the cover of next month's in-flight magazine.  

     There's no exceptions, think you can beat the system by getting your pilots license and renting a Cessna  so you can get head in the clouds, forget it.

     Best thing to do is put your perverted thoughts on auto-pilot for the duration of the flight.  Then when you get to the Disney World hotel send the kids over to Treasure Island and have normal sexual relations with your spouse, where she thinks about blowing the flight crew and he thinks about banging the stewardess.

4 - WORKPLACE   

       Anybody who has ever been employed has fucked at work.  Don't deny it folks, if you do you're lying.  Chairman, CEO, President, Sales Executive In Charge Of East Coast Sales Costs and Expenditures, secretary, janitor, you have all had sex at work.  

     Not all of us steal office supplies, not all of us leave an hour early, everybody doesn't piss in the coffee maker, but we've all succumbed to the allure of doing it where we're employed, either during 9-5 or even better, while getting paid overtime.

     Don't make out at work folks, it lowers the country's GNP by 50 billion dollars a month.  It's the number one reason the Germans are so far ahead of every country on the planet. They whistle while they work while we go about our business of knocking staplers, family picture frames and sales reports off of every desk we screw on, twice if its an office Christmas party.  

     You want to have sex at your place of employment?  Start a home business and screw the neighbors wife while yours is at work.......fucking her boss.

3 - CAR    

     The poor man's Concorde.  The 55 MPH high club.  We have sex in the car because it's convenient, cheap and if it's a mini-van, bigger than a Days Inn motel room.

     Originating with Henry Ford, who needed a place to fondle his mistress's Model T & A, car sex is the world's oldest pastime. Back seat, front seat, hood, trunk, against the bumper,  if Ford designed it we've fucked on it.  Who hasn't made out in a car?  Even Fred Flintstone did it with Wilma in the back of that pre-historic foot-powered Pinto of his.

     Sometimes sex in cars ends in tragedy.  There are countless stories of people leaving the car running in cold weather in order to make out only to die of carbon monoxide poisoning.  Others have tried having sex while the car is moving which  has led to numerous fatal accidents, serious injuries and turned on cab drivers.

     Just remember this rule of thumb ladies, if you're in the car and you've blown a tire or head gasket you're okay, if it's a dick you're either a hooker or a wife that lost a bet.

2-SOME AFRICAN COUNTRIES    

     There are at least 2 African countries where sex is illegal unless you have a permit from the government.  You have to show proof of marriage and are not allowed to participate in any form of sexual activity outside that marriage.  Sex with anybody who you are not married to will result in a $5,000 dollar fine and up to 1 year in jail. They don't have three strike offenders there, just three-some offenders.

     The jails are full of normal, hardworking, honest people who got caught cheating on their spouses and are now paying the penalty.      My advice if you travel to one of these countries is to simply marry a local girl, honeymoon at the local Grass Hut Inn, then fuck off back to Indiana and no one will be the wiser.

1 - YOUR PARENT'S BED  

     Yikes!   Freud would have a field day with this move.  I know how it is,  a last resort place, other rooms were taken, bed is larger and more comfortable, big screen TV in the room, house sitting and so on.  None of these are good excuses.  None!

     Don't fuck in your parent's bed folks. Trust me, it will lead to years of trauma, nightmares, incestual fantasies and decades of expensive psychoanalysis.  You'll start bed wetting again and wont marry until you find a mother/father figure.  You'll morph into Bruce Jenner and Oedipus within a week plus you'll never be able to look your siblings or grandparents in the eye for the rest of your life.  If you think you can live through all that here is the most important reason you should never have sex in your parent's bed..... you'll have to wash the sheets!

BOTTOM 5 U.S. PRESIDENTS

5 - GERRY FORD

     Wasn't even elected.  Gerry had his term handed to him by default when Nixon gave his two weeks notice to Congress.  For some reason this guy was always falling down or bumping into shit, he was Benny Hill with the world's greatest temp job.  Portrayed by Chevy Chase as a bumbling, stumbling fool causing havoc wherever he went, a kind of Mr. McGoo with benefits.

Ford's wife Betty was a closet drunk who spent most nights breaking the presidential seal on a bottle of Smirnoff's.  Gerry lasted about two years before he had to pack up the boxes he had just unpacked, ousted by Jimmy Carter's shit-eating grin.  Ford's last official act was to pardon Richard Nixon before tripping over Betty's empty vodka bottles on the way out.

4 - LYNDON B. JOHNSON  

     The first BJ in the Oval Office before Clinton rebooted that historical fact.  Johnson was another president defaulted into his first term, this time because the Mafia, the CIA, the Military Complex, some hobo's and, arguably Oswald, assassinated Lyndon's boss.

     Johnson was famous for conducting presidential business while sitting on the toilet and was often chastised by VP Hubert Humprey for leaving the seat up. LBJ's bowel movements escalated the war in Vietnam. Lydon is number 4 on this list because he quit on the American public by not accepting the '68 nomination.  Instead, he chose to retire to Texas, grow his hair long and shoot at reporters trespassing on his ranch.

3 - BILL CLINTON  

     William Jefferson Clinton.  Sounds presidential doesn't it?  Was the first famous person to have his name and his wife's name fused together into one, Billary.  Probably the best looking president besides JFK and perhaps even more charismatic than John.  The fact that he smoked grass but didn't inhale almost made him one of us.  Was actually a great president but he makes this list because, of course, he turned the Oval Office into a pick-up bar.

     Every woman entering the White House was potential bait for Bill as he used Nixon's old recording devices for upskirt and down blouse videos.  Said he "never had sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky" but left his DNA all over her French beret hat while she satisfied the Commander in Cheat.  Clinton lasted two terms in office then had a cigarette, rolled over and went to sleep.  Had no Vietnam's, no economic recessions, no 9/11s and no self-control.   William Jefferson Clinton.  Sounds presidential doesn't it?

2 - JOHN F. KENNEDY 

     John's at 2 because I never bought into that whole Kennedy mystic and Camelot bullshit.  The whole family was corrupt, starting with old man Joe who rode shotgun while running booze into prohibition states.  Joe's dirty money eventually financed his son's run for president in '60 and his mistress's abortion in '61.

      The problem with John is that he spent half his presidency fighting for social reform and other half chasing dames.  His powerful speeches landed men on the moon, enticed women into political office  and encouraged minorities to stand up and be counted.  Kennedy's work was the genesis of the Great Society that forever changed America.  Imagine what he could have accomplished had he not spent work days running after pussy.

     John was a sex addict, what Jackie couldn't give him he found somewhere else, usually at Frank Sinatra's house.  He even shared his women with his brother Bobby as both slept with Marilyn Monroe, once at the same time.  Marilyn became so insane over the Kennedys that she overdosed on pills....two hours after John had the CIA kill her.  JFK never even completed his first term in office for christsakes, who cares what the reason was.  Look, dying by an assassin's bullet didn't make Kennedy great, it just made him remembered.

1 - RICHARD NIXON  

     No surprise here. Dick left office in disgrace, being forced to resign after years of illegal covert activities.  His abuse of power and privilege began long before Watergate and corrupted every branch of the government.

     He was socially awkward, racist and uncomfortable in his own skin.  He got drunk alone every night while updating his enemies list and resisting advances from his wife. Almost everybody he appointed for high level positions in the White House were jailed, and those that weren't were run out of Washington.  He left a trail of dead bodies and ruined lives behind him when he resigned and didn't give a shit.  He was Archie Bunker's favorite president and the Washington Post's least favorite

     The problem with Nixon wasn't his hatred of people so much as he just didn't understand them.  Hippies, gays, minorities, Kennedys, Russians, women, rock stars, the homeless... Dick just didn't get it and was never open minded enough to even attempt getting it.  

     Being male, white, conservative, God fearing and growing up during the Depression and times of War was all he could relate to.  Anything outside that box was alien to him and he became embittered because he knew the  times were changing and he couldn't.  All he could do was drop more bombs on Cambodia, send more troops into Vietnam, order more cops to stop domestic protesting and spend one night a month on top of Pat in the missionary position.