BOTTOM 3 REASONS TO PRAY

3 - PRAYING TO GET OUT OF LEGAL TROUBLE 

       According to a Department of Correctional Services census, there are 8,643 people in United States prisons named Jesus, 34 of them women. If you are currently in prison and reading this take note because your prayers for freedom are probably going straight to these inmates.  If you think one of these Jesus's is going to get you off while they're in for life you were misinformed by the prison Chaplin.

     Going higher up the chain of command won't help either because God already answered the victim's prayers to incarcerate your guilty ass, so first prayer wins. 

     Now, if you're currently free awaiting trial and praying for an advantageous outcome you might stand a chance if your crime was victimless. That's why so many white collar criminals such as Wall St. bankers, shady politicians and Vegas card counters get little or no jail time, their prayers were in direct proportion to their crimes.

     Praying for an innocent verdict after killing 3 people is just spam in God's inbox, it will be deleted along with numbers 2 and 1 on this list.  However, a quick prayer after you've ripped off a bank for 50 grand will usually result in a time already served sentence or early parole. Bernie Madoff got a 200-year sentence because he pushed the envelope he should have placed in the collections plate and conned charities, hospitals, churches and Steven Spielberg, who God listens to.     

     Praying to get out of legal trouble might help if you remember these 3 tips:  Your crime should have a zero body count, should only harm huge, multi-national corporations or the IRS   and should always, always be accompanied by a guilty plea.  Don't clog up the legal system by saying not guilty when the evidence shows otherwise, you'll just piss God off and you won't stand a chance in hell.

2 - PRAYING FOR MONEY

     Dirty, filthy money.  The root of all evil.  Don't pray for dough folks, it's tacky, sacrilegious and makes God lol.  If you're broke and need bucks for food or rent I'm sure God will listen to your sob story and make an informed decision, but if you're asking for hooker and booze money forget it.

     Money is printed by the U.S. Treasury Department and is circulated through banks, drug dealers and lemonade stands, none of it goes to God and he doesn't have his own printing press.  But if you are desperate and need to pray for a windfall make sure you specify the currency because God's exchange rate is shittier than the banks.  You'll have to fork over about 100 "I promise I'll never do it agains" for every dollar you receive.

     Another thing you shouldn't do is pray for lottery wins, slot machine payouts and a quick death for granny so your inheritance kicks in.  Like Einstein said, "God doesn't play dice with the universe". Granny will go to heaven when God tells her, not when you ask for a date exactly one month before your trip to Vegas.

     Try this, pray for money to come into the life of someone you love, someone less fortunate than yourself who could really use it, than when it's received ask them for a loan and don't pay it back. Amen.

1 - PRAYING FOR YOUR SPORTS TEAM TO WIN  

     This one really grinds my gears. The thought that someone would actually pray for the Jets to beat the Patriots by 3 points in order to cover the spread is blasphemous, plus it doesn't work because I've tried it. And you know why it doesn't work? Read number 2 on this list.

     God doesn't watch sports nor does he subscribe to Sports Illustrated. When you pray for the Mets to win the World Series or Man United to finish atop the Barcley's Premier League you're talking to dead air.  You could try to up the ante and withhold your prayers until the really big sporting events, like the Olympics or World Cup of Football, but your prayers will go unanswered if Isreal fails to qualify for either of these.

     Sometimes I wonder though if God doesn't have some action down when I hear an athlete give thanks to him after a victory. Maybe God plays both sides, pays out the winner and keeps the losers scratch plus the vig.

     There is a play in football called the Hail Mary, there was Maradona's "hand of God" goal in the '86 World Cup and Packer's coach Vince Lombardi was well known for yelling Jesus Christ after every play. The problem with praying for Tom Brady not to throw an interception is that you're taking the ball out of Tom's hands and putting it in God's, who throws like a girl.

    The best advice I can give you is this; if your team is down three games to none in the World Series and you've wagered the money for your wife's cataract surgery on game 4, pray for rain.