BOTTOM 3 SPORTS ROLE MODELS

3 - MICKEY MANTLE    

     
     Got his name from the size of the bottle his father was drinking from when Mickey was born.  Inherited his father's drinking prowess and at the age of 15 began a lifelong relationship with booze until he cut in line to receive a new kidney at the age of 64.

     Drafted by the New York Yankees in 1949 Mantle captivated the city with his long, high moon shots at Yankee Stadium and his numerous, on the house Tequila shots at Toots Shor's bar.  He often played drunk or hungover while becoming the greatest center fielder in the history of baseball.  Won 10 World Series, 3 MVP awards, 2 batting titles and 1 drunk driving case that got thrown out of court. Was given the key to New York City, which he once used to try and open the liquor cabinet in the mayor's office.

     Upon his retirement in '68 Mantle was the only athlete in history to be given a lifetime achievement award by the Anheuser-Busch Brewing Company.

2 - JOE NAMATH    

     Broadway Joe. Handsome, wealthy, talented, single, Joe had it all.  Could even go toe to toe with Mantle at the bar.  There will never be a more popular athlete in New York than Joe Namath. Joe was a triple threat with the drinking, women and long touchdown passes.  Booze, broads, bombs.  He was legendary for staying out all night drinking and chasing skirt than showing up during the national anthem for a 4 pm  kick-off.

     Famously led the Jets to a Super Bowl win in '69 then had his own 69 with Farah Fawett 2 hours later at the Century Plaza Hotel. Always had two blondes on his arm in case he fumbled one. Threw more interceptions than any QB in history because of blood shot eyes and a shaky hand.  Made up for it by completing more passes at women in bars then the author of The Pick-up Artist.

     Joe never settled down until he finally married in his late 40's, apparently loving it so much he did it 3 times. Was the first player to wear mink coats, Fu Man Chu mustaches and pantyhose. Unfortunately, Joe is now best known for being drunk and trying to kiss an NFL sideline reporter on air during a Monday Night Football telecast.  The great ones never lose it!

1 - LANCE ARMSTRONG    

          A cheat, a liar and one ball short of being a man.  Fooled the public for years about being clean while making millions on endorsements and a line of special  underwear for men with only half a sack. Lance's bicycle built for two balls had to be modified so the seat could accommodate one wing nut.     

     Lance bullied opponents, the press and Sheryl Crow into thinking he was the only participant in the Tour De France not doping.  Would threaten anyone with a lawsuit if they dared to question his integrity, told the world he always took the moral high ground when competing. 

     Armstrong's strong arm tactics threw countless teammates under the bus if it came down to a "them or me" situation until finally Floyd Landis stood up and said  "fuck you and the bike you rode in on"

     Ultimately the pressure for Lance to come clean about being dirty became too much and he was forced into a header over the handlebars confession on Oprah.  The tears from a clown fell faster than rain as Armstong cried his eyes out and did his best Jimmy Swaggart.  Oprah wasn't buying any of this bullshit and told him to peddle his crap to the Cancer charity he set up in his own tarnished name.

     Armstrong got his pants stuck in the bike chain of life because of greed and fame and his downfall will be forever known as the Tour De Lance.