5 - GERRY FORD
Wasn't even elected. Gerry had his term handed to him by default when Nixon gave his two weeks notice to Congress. For some reason this guy was always falling down or bumping into shit, he was Benny Hill with the world's greatest temp job. Portrayed by Chevy Chase as a bumbling, stumbling fool causing havoc wherever he went, a kind of Mr. McGoo with benefits.
Ford's wife Betty was a closet drunk who spent most nights breaking the presidential seal on a bottle of Smirnoff's. Gerry lasted about two years before he had to pack up the boxes he had just unpacked, ousted by Jimmy Carter's shit-eating grin. Ford's last official act was to pardon Richard Nixon before tripping over Betty's empty vodka bottles on the way out.
4 - LYNDON B. JOHNSON
The first BJ in the Oval Office before Clinton rebooted that historical fact. Johnson was another president defaulted into his first term, this time because the Mafia, the CIA, the Military Complex, some hobo's and, arguably Oswald, assassinated Lyndon's boss.
Johnson was famous for conducting presidential business while sitting on the toilet and was often chastised by VP Hubert Humprey for leaving the seat up. LBJ's bowel movements escalated the war in Vietnam. Lydon is number 4 on this list because he quit on the American public by not accepting the '68 nomination. Instead, he chose to retire to Texas, grow his hair long and shoot at reporters trespassing on his ranch.
3 - BILL CLINTON
William Jefferson Clinton. Sounds presidential doesn't it? Was the first famous person to have his name and his wife's name fused together into one, Billary. Probably the best looking president besides JFK and perhaps even more charismatic than John. The fact that he smoked grass but didn't inhale almost made him one of us. Was actually a great president but he makes this list because, of course, he turned the Oval Office into a pick-up bar.
Every woman entering the White House was potential bait for Bill as he used Nixon's old recording devices for upskirt and down blouse videos. Said he "never had sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky" but left his DNA all over her French beret hat while she satisfied the Commander in Cheat. Clinton lasted two terms in office then had a cigarette, rolled over and went to sleep. Had no Vietnam's, no economic recessions, no 9/11s and no self-control. William Jefferson Clinton. Sounds presidential doesn't it?
2 - JOHN F. KENNEDY
John's at 2 because I never bought into that whole Kennedy mystic and Camelot bullshit. The whole family was corrupt, starting with old man Joe who rode shotgun while running booze into prohibition states. Joe's dirty money eventually financed his son's run for president in '60 and his mistress's abortion in '61.
The problem with John is that he spent half his presidency fighting for social reform and other half chasing dames. His powerful speeches landed men on the moon, enticed women into political office and encouraged minorities to stand up and be counted. Kennedy's work was the genesis of the Great Society that forever changed America. Imagine what he could have accomplished had he not spent work days running after pussy.
John was a sex addict, what Jackie couldn't give him he found somewhere else, usually at Frank Sinatra's house. He even shared his women with his brother Bobby as both slept with Marilyn Monroe, once at the same time. Marilyn became so insane over the Kennedys that she overdosed on pills....two hours after John had the CIA kill her. JFK never even completed his first term in office for christsakes, who cares what the reason was. Look, dying by an assassin's bullet didn't make Kennedy great, it just made him remembered.
1 - RICHARD NIXON
No surprise here. Dick left office in disgrace, being forced to resign after years of illegal covert activities. His abuse of power and privilege began long before Watergate and corrupted every branch of the government.
He was socially awkward, racist and uncomfortable in his own skin. He got drunk alone every night while updating his enemies list and resisting advances from his wife. Almost everybody he appointed for high level positions in the White House were jailed, and those that weren't were run out of Washington. He left a trail of dead bodies and ruined lives behind him when he resigned and didn't give a shit. He was Archie Bunker's favorite president and the Washington Post's least favorite
The problem with Nixon wasn't his hatred of people so much as he just didn't understand them. Hippies, gays, minorities, Kennedys, Russians, women, rock stars, the homeless... Dick just didn't get it and was never open minded enough to even attempt getting it.
Being male, white, conservative, God fearing and growing up during the Depression and times of War was all he could relate to. Anything outside that box was alien to him and he became embittered because he knew the times were changing and he couldn't. All he could do was drop more bombs on Cambodia, send more troops into Vietnam, order more cops to stop domestic protesting and spend one night a month on top of Pat in the missionary position.
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