5 - AIRPLANE
First made famous when Freddie Laker banged his secretary on the inaugural flight of Laker's Airways in '66, having sex at 30,000 feet is now on everybody's Fucket List.
Like smoking and yelling "bomb", throwing the occupied switch and servicing your husband in the toilet on Flight 213 to Cleveland is illegal. If caught you'll face a fine of $20,000 dollars, a possible jail sentence of 2 -5 years and have your picture on the cover of next month's in-flight magazine.
There's no exceptions, think you can beat the system by getting your pilots license and renting a Cessna so you can get head in the clouds, forget it.
Best thing to do is put your perverted thoughts on auto-pilot for the duration of the flight. Then when you get to the Disney World hotel send the kids over to Treasure Island and have normal sexual relations with your spouse, where she thinks about blowing the flight crew and he thinks about banging the stewardess.
4 - WORKPLACE
Anybody who has ever been employed has fucked at work. Don't deny it folks, if you do you're lying. Chairman, CEO, President, Sales Executive In Charge Of East Coast Sales Costs and Expenditures, secretary, janitor, you have all had sex at work.
Not all of us steal office supplies, not all of us leave an hour early, everybody doesn't piss in the coffee maker, but we've all succumbed to the allure of doing it where we're employed, either during 9-5 or even better, while getting paid overtime.
Don't make out at work folks, it lowers the country's GNP by 50 billion dollars a month. It's the number one reason the Germans are so far ahead of every country on the planet. They whistle while they work while we go about our business of knocking staplers, family picture frames and sales reports off of every desk we screw on, twice if its an office Christmas party.
You want to have sex at your place of employment? Start a home business and screw the neighbors wife while yours is at work.......fucking her boss.
3 - CAR
The poor man's Concorde. The 55 MPH high club. We have sex in the car because it's convenient, cheap and if it's a mini-van, bigger than a Days Inn motel room.
Originating with Henry Ford, who needed a place to fondle his mistress's Model T & A, car sex is the world's oldest pastime. Back seat, front seat, hood, trunk, against the bumper, if Ford designed it we've fucked on it. Who hasn't made out in a car? Even Fred Flintstone did it with Wilma in the back of that pre-historic foot-powered Pinto of his.
Sometimes sex in cars ends in tragedy. There are countless stories of people leaving the car running in cold weather in order to make out only to die of carbon monoxide poisoning. Others have tried having sex while the car is moving which has led to numerous fatal accidents, serious injuries and turned on cab drivers.
Just remember this rule of thumb ladies, if you're in the car and you've blown a tire or head gasket you're okay, if it's a dick you're either a hooker or a wife that lost a bet.
2-SOME AFRICAN COUNTRIES
There are at least 2 African countries where sex is illegal unless you have a permit from the government. You have to show proof of marriage and are not allowed to participate in any form of sexual activity outside that marriage. Sex with anybody who you are not married to will result in a $5,000 dollar fine and up to 1 year in jail. They don't have three strike offenders there, just three-some offenders.
The jails are full of normal, hardworking, honest people who got caught cheating on their spouses and are now paying the penalty. My advice if you travel to one of these countries is to simply marry a local girl, honeymoon at the local Grass Hut Inn, then fuck off back to Indiana and no one will be the wiser.
1 - YOUR PARENT'S BED
Yikes! Freud would have a field day with this move. I know how it is, a last resort place, other rooms were taken, bed is larger and more comfortable, big screen TV in the room, house sitting and so on. None of these are good excuses. None!
Don't fuck in your parent's bed folks. Trust me, it will lead to years of trauma, nightmares, incestual fantasies and decades of expensive psychoanalysis. You'll start bed wetting again and wont marry until you find a mother/father figure. You'll morph into Bruce Jenner and Oedipus within a week plus you'll never be able to look your siblings or grandparents in the eye for the rest of your life. If you think you can live through all that here is the most important reason you should never have sex in your parent's bed..... you'll have to wash the sheets!
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